There Are No Ugly Ducklings

Sometimes you just have to accept that you are a different kind of pretty and when you compare yourself to others you have to remind yourself that they aren’t more attractive than you, they’re just a different kind of pretty. You may wish you were as skinny as them and they may want to gain a few pounds. You may envy their ability to pull off the ‘natural look’ and they may wish that they could pull off makeup. Beauty isn’t an absolute concept. It changes according to each person and it changes over time. So, why place your sense of worth on something so fickle?

I don’t think of myself as being prettier than when I was 15 but I think I have gained a better understanding of what it means to be ugly (and pretty). I can now see that it isn’t about trying to turn into a swan, but recognising that swans and ducks are both beautiful creatures, just in different ways.

“The ugly duckling is a misunderstood universal myth. It's not about turning into a blonde Barbie doll or becoming what you dream of being; it's about self-revelation, becoming who you are.”
-Baz Luhrmann

So, what does ‘ugly’ mean to you? And I don’t just mean what you think is unconventional looking, I mean, what is true ugliness to you? What does it mean do be ugly? What would it mean if you were unconventional looking?

Yes, realising what your definition of ugly is and changing this definition will take years because the world is full of people trying to feel better about themselves by emphasising your ‘flaws’. It’s full of people trying to sell you products by convincing you that there is a problem with your appearance which was never considered a problem before. It’s full of swans treating you as an ugly duckling, simply because you’re not a swan. Just because it takes time and demands patience doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try challenging your perception of beauty.

And then there is the ‘grass is always greener’ problem. I’m sure being Cara Delevingne level pretty comes with its own problems. I’m sure that when you are that pretty, people have pre-conceived ideas about you, people will be threatened by you and when you have a bad day people will blow it out of proportion, turning it into a very bad day.

It is just so sad to think of the lengths we go to, and the lengths that I have gone to, to try and fulfill a standard that is not only changing, fragile and conditional but which actually holds no weight. Yes, sadly, people often judge according to appearance but when it actually matters, when you are applying for your dream job, when you are dating somebody you love, when you are travelling or creating or spending time with your friends and family – when it comes down to what is truly important, having a conventional appearance is so unnecessary. Your partner isn’t going to stay with you simply because you are conventionally pretty, your family aren’t going to abandon you if you gain a few pounds, your friends aren’t going to stay simply because your skin cleared up and your life isn’t going to fall apart because you got a bad haircut.

What’s the worst that could happen?
Ask yourself this every time you doubt yourself, every time you question or insist that you are ‘ugly’.
If you decide that you really are ‘ugly’, that’s swell, but maybe we don’t need to decide? Because when you really think about it, it isn’t that important. Realising how unimportant looks are in the grand scheme of the universe, the world, your life, is so much more important than deciding whether you fit the current ‘beauty mould’ – a mould that changes all of the time.

The next time you look in the mirror and question whether you look ugly, or too fat, too skinny, too tall or too short – because we all do it, whether we think this every day or once a year, we all have days where we look in the mirror in disgust – try to laugh and realise how absurd it truly is to let something so unimportant in the grand scheme of things ruin your day, never mind your life. I’m not saying it’s easy, I know it’s not, but I also know it’s worth it. 

You can have a good day on a bad hair day and you can have a good life with an unconventional face.

Just because you’re not a swan, it doesn’t mean that you’re an ugly duckling. You may not look like a swan. You may not even look like an average duck, but is that what makes an ‘ugly’ person? Does looking unconventional make you ugly?

You get to decide what is more important:
1. Trying to become a swan.
2. Trying to become a conventional looking duckling.
3. Or accepting that neither of these are that important.

“It is only with the heart that one can see clearly, for the most essential things are invisible to the eye.”
― Hans Christian Andersen, The Ugly Duckling

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If you liked this post, you may also like my post about making comparisons.