What No One Tells You About Life After Depression

For the past month I have not been depressed. I never thought that those words would ever escape my mouth (or my fingertips). And although it’s great and refreshing, it’s also very strange.

When you’re not depressed, even if you’ve spent years with depression, you can’t fully connect with your depressed self. Standing on the outside looking in is incredibly surreal because you’re so used to being at the centre of it all. 

Not only do you feel separate from the illness, but you feel separate from yourself because although you’re not your disorder you’ve been carrying it around with you for so long that it has blurred the lines a little (or a lot).

And that’s the thing, mental illnesses affect the mind and the mind is the filter through which we see the world. So, if there is something wrong with that filter then every single thing we see and do is impacted.

You make subtle changes to cope with the differences and after a while it becomes the norm. Then the filter goes back to ‘normal’. But it’s not your normal. The filter has been ‘broken’ for so long that it has become your normal and you no longer know how to live without it. 

Clarity becomes confusing.

If you've been in complete darkness for a long time it takes a while for your eyes to adjust to the light.

Because you have been like this for years, since you were a child, you feel like you’re playing catch up because whilst you were learning how to live with the filter (go to therapy, take medication etc.) everyone else was learning skills for the unfiltered world (how to cook, clean, drive, socialise etc.) 

These ‘normal’ tasks now come easily to others but you’re starting from scratch because when you’re depressed, especially if you grew up with depression, these were simply not a priority. You had to focus on staying alive.

I’ve learnt that not feeling depressed doesn’t mean feeling fixed. It takes away the huge, terrifying problems but it leaves you with new problems to deal with. But at least they can be dealt with.

Nobody tells you about the disorientation that replaces depression. 

It leaves you feeling confused about who you are and how you’re supposed to feel and what you’re supposed to do with all of the emotions which were missing from your life for so long. I always thought that recovery meant happiness but that’s not the case for different reasons.

Firstly, the opposite of mental illness is wellness, not happiness.

Secondly, happiness is fleeting and so you shouldn’t put your life or mind in the hands of something so fickle.

Thirdly, happiness is only good if you know what to do with it and when you’ve had depression for so long this is a skill you need to relearn.

I am now in the process of learning how to handle happiness. That sounds privileged as heck, I know, and I would take this over depression any day.

If you liked this post you may also like:
1. The Things You Grieve in Your 20's
2. Am I Faking My Mental Illness?
3. Can You Move Away from Your Mental Illness?