Mental Illness & the Fear of Ruining Christmas
Christmas is
a very social holiday and that’s hard for someone with social phobia.
Christmas is
a holiday which is surrounded by a lot of food and that’s hard for someone with
an eating disorder.
Christmas is
a time of “joy” and “merriment” and that’s hard for someone with depression.
When you
have a mental illness, Christmas can make you want to run away from the
pressure to be happy and hide away from everyone who wants you to enjoy the
festive season. But I don’t. And it’s not because I know I’ll regret it and
it’s not because I know that’s not a healthy response.
There are 2 main reasons for why I don’t run away from Christmas:
There are 2 main reasons for why I don’t run away from Christmas:
- I’ve missed out on so many things because of my illnesses and I don’t want to waste another momentous occasion.
- I don’t want to ruin Christmas for everyone else.
In this
post, I’m going to talk about the latter reason.
Basically, when I think
about Christmas my brain looks a little like this:
What if my eating disorder gets worse again and I can’t eat Christmas dinner? Then my mum will be offended that I’m not eating the food she put so much time and effort into preparing and then everyone else will be angry at me for upsetting mum and then everyone will direct their attention towards me and why I don’t want to eat.
What if my eating disorder gets worse again and I can’t eat Christmas dinner? Then my mum will be offended that I’m not eating the food she put so much time and effort into preparing and then everyone else will be angry at me for upsetting mum and then everyone will direct their attention towards me and why I don’t want to eat.
What if my
depression is really bad on Christmas day and I can’t get out of bed? Then I
ruin Christmas before the day has even begun and each person in my family will come into my room to either try and convince me to get up, drawing attention to me, making it harder to get up, or shout at me for ruining Christmas and being an
‘attention seeker’.
What if my
anxiety levels get so high that I get angry and can’t control my emotions and I
shout at everyone or burst into tears at the dinner table?
What if I do
something so bad that my family forever associate this holiday with my
disorders?
All of these
end with everyone being angry at me and upset that Christmas is ruined and me,
surrounded by my own guilt and regret and even worse, my thoughts.
I worry
about these fictional, but very possible scenarios so much that the festive
period surrounding Christmas day passes me by and by worrying about wasting one
day I’ve suddenly wasted many more days.
I’m sorry if
I do ruin Christmas because I can’t get out of bed or stop crying, overthinking
or hyperventilating. I’m sorry if my brain won’t let me participate. I’m sorry.
But I’m
trying to put my mental health first, before the holly wreaths and hot
chocolate, the board games and Christmas parties, the mince pies and the
pressure to be joyful.
I’m trying
to allow myself to feel what I’m feeling, even though the world seems to be
forcing me to be merry.
Mental
illnesses don’t disappear because it is Christmas. They are illnesses and they
can’t be cured with some cinnamon and snow.
I wish they
could.
"Don’t let the past steal your present. This is the message of Christmas: We are never alone."-Taylor Caldwell
If you liked
this post you may also like:
1. Christmas Gifts For Someone With A Mental Illness
2. Love Can't Fill The Cracks
1. Christmas Gifts For Someone With A Mental Illness
2. Love Can't Fill The Cracks
I have a lot of respect for you to open up about this, I've suffered with my mental health and its a worry of mine, ruining Christmas. But it was just one of those things that I thought I was being irrational about, I'm glad someone has finally spoke about it! I hope you have a lovely Christmas xx
ReplyDeleteHan | lifewithhan.blog
Thank you so much, you are definitely not alone. I hope you have a lovely Christmas too :) xx
DeleteI completely understand how you feel! I hope no-one puts extra pressure on you this year,
ReplyDeleteYou’re definitely not alone in your feelings, my recent post is about social anxiety at Christmas and I have a few different perspectives on there. feel free to take a look! https://bexcapades.com/2017/12/19/social-anxiety-at-christmas-time/
Bex
Thank you so much for reading. I will definitely check your post out :) xx
DeleteThis is amazing how you have brought yourself to share with others and give them power as well. I love how you talk about the fear of mental illness as one of the symptoms in itself. It's a facet a lot of people don't address.
DeleteThank you so so much!
DeleteI've just sent you my blog post on this very subject. You've got to do what's right for you. If that means staying in bed all day, reading a book and cuddling up in a quilt, then so be it. Easier said than done, I know, but doing what's right for you means you'll feel better. Sitting at the table and forcing jollity is not the answer, because you'll only be miserable and that's be worse. You've got to tell your family that, and, if necessary, show these messages to them, to show that mental illness is real. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteJo
www.jo-b-creative.blogspot.co.uk
Thank you! And I completely agree with you but it is so hard. Good luck to you too. xx
Delete