The Things You Grieve in Your 20's

So, I turned twenty last month and since then, because I’m such an optimistic and self-loving person, my mind decided to fixate on all of the things that I’m losing now that I’m no longer a teenager. Now that a bit of time has passed I thought I would share my thoughts and hope that I’m not the only one freaking out because of my dead childhood. Hahaha I’m totally fine. Here we go.

1.       The Paths You Didn’t Take

Grief is the Recently I’ve become hyper-aware of the fact that saying ‘yes’ to a particular career path is essentially the same as saying ‘no’ to hundreds of other areas of work. I’m doing a degree in Psychology and English Literature and even though I know that I want to work in mental health I can’t help but mourn my childhood dreams of becoming a ballerina (I never did ballet) or a radiologist (how did I even know what this was?) As a teenager I was given the opportunity to pursue acting professionally but because of my academic perfectionism (and of course my handy-dandy mental illnesses) I was unable to devote as much energy and time into acting and auditions as I needed to. This is not to say that I would have been an A-list super star if I had shifted my priorities, at best I probably would have been in a few TV ads, but that’s not the point. It’s the not knowing. The ‘what ifs’.

“Maybe if I spent less time studying I’d have more friends and be less stressed, depressed and lonely.”

“Maybe if my parents sent me to dance or music lessons I would be more successful.”

But the thing is, you can’t change the past. And even if you could, changing it wouldn’t simply erase the bad stuff, it would affect the good stuff too. If I spent less time studying I may have more friends but I wouldn’t have the same academic opportunities and these friends may not be as loving and supportive as the few friends I have now.  If I became a successful dancer, musician or actress I may have money and fame but I wouldn’t be doing what I’m truly passionate about; raising awareness and helping others with their mental health.

Passion isn’t only valid when it is accompanied by fame and success isn’t only valid when it is highly visible.

I’m starting to see that we each have to determine our own measurement of success and we each have to prioritise what makes us happy. Do what makes you proud of yourself, not because it’s what others would consider successful. 

2. Childhood

      I think that everyone misses childhood to some degree, whether that’s the childhood you had or the childhood you wish you had. You see kids playing outside and you find yourself longing for that innocence and lack of responsibility. When you’re a kid, feeling hopeful comes much more naturally, love seems to be so much more unconditional, people seem kinder and the future seems to hold so much more. Even though I definitely do not want to return to compulsory education I don’t like the fact that this isn’t even a possibility. Never again will I play tag in the playground. Never again will I eat without considering the calories, sugar, salt and fat content. And I will never own something without continuously thinking about its monetary value.

My eating disorder began when I was 10 years old. I feel like I missed out on my childhood and teenage years because I was so obsessed with calories, exercise and weight-loss. Not going out with friends because of my social anxiety. Missing out on so many opportunities because I couldn’t get out of bed. I’m grieving the childhood I can barely remember because of the persistent brain fog. I’m grieving the memories that could have been made. I’m grieving the moments that could have shaped who I am if I had been more present. I’m grieving the childhood I could have had if I didn’t have any mental illnesses.

“Nostalgia’s cool, but it won’t help me now”
-Paramore (Caught In The Middle)

3.       Lost Friendships

     With time comes change. That’s not necessarily a bad thing because change is necessary for growth but this can sometimes result in friends drifting apart. You’re not the same people as you were when you met at fourteen and you’re not looking for the same sort of friendship as you used to. That is totally normal and OK. But as totally normal and OK as this is it doesn’t make the loss any easier to bear. Acknowledging that you are not the same people anymore doesn’t make the pain go away because you’re not grieving the friend itself, you’re grieving the friendship you used to have. We need to stop ruminating on why the friendship ended, try to re-frame our thinking to allow acceptance of the fact that this is something that happens to everyone, allow for the possibility that nobody is to blame, and allow ourselves to grieve the loss.

“It happens to everyone as they grow up. You find out who you are and what you want, and then you realize that people you've known forever don't see things the way you do. So you keep the wonderful memories, but find yourself moving on.”

― Nicholas Sparks

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