Depression & The Symptom We Rarely Talk About

There are many emotions that you may associate with ‘depression’ – sadness, numbness, tiredness, hopelessness – but one emotion that I rarely see talked about in relation to mental illnesses is anger.

The belief that you can’t do anything right is accompanied by an anger at others for succeeding.

Feeling miserable is accompanied by feeling angry at other people’s happiness.

Wanting to die is accompanied by a jealous-fuelled-rage towards those embracing life.

I resented everyone who loved me for making me feel like I needed to stay here, for them.

I was convinced that when people offered me food or told me to eat when I hadn’t, that they were trying to make me fat.

I felt so broken that I was angry at others for being whole.

Sometimes my head would be full of rage but I was too drained to externally manifest it. So, it built up inside of me. I kept my head down, kept quiet for as long as I could and forced a smile when I could summon the energy, secretly hating everyone around me. Well, it wasn’t such a secret for the few who stayed around, only to be subjected to my constant complaining and negativity.

I hated people for being sad and I hated them for being happy.
I hated people for talking to me and I hated people for ignoring me.
I hated people for not trying to help me and I hated people for trying.

"Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured."
-Mark Twain

"Holding anger is a poison. It eats you from inside. We think that hating is a weapon that attacks the person who harmed us. But hatred is a curved blade. And the harm we do, we do to ourselves.”

-Mitch Albom, The Five People You Meet in Heaven

Sadly, so many people do not consider mental illnesses to be valid illnesses, despite the unquestionable and overwhelming amount of medical evidence. So, if we have to convince so many people that we are ill, why draw attention to symptoms which many seem to dismiss as simple personality flaws; anger, ‘laziness’, ‘pessimism’.

If we don’t talk about it then it can’t be that important. If we are able to talk about it then it can’t be that bad. Right?

But the thing is, I’m actually more comfortable talking about my mental illnesses than anything else. Why? Because my experience of these is the only thing that I know I am more informed about than anyone else. Because after years of talking about it to doctors, counselors, therapists, family, and friends it becomes a habit. And after seeing so many friends and family members struggle with mental illness, talking about it becomes a necessity.

So, speak up, if you can. And speak up about the ugliness. If we don’t talk about the ugliness of mental illnesses, three things will happen:
1. People will feel completely isolated if their symptoms haven’t been discussed and they may see themselves as ugly, rather than the illness.
2. Mental illnesses will continue to be romanticised, meaning fewer people will take them seriously and some may even aspire to adopt them, or at least the glamorised version that they believe to be true.
3. Others may continue to believe that mental illnesses aren’t valid illnesses.

It is easier to talk about how I hurt myself than it is to talk about how I hurt those around me.
It is easier to talk about how I hated myself than it is to talk about how I hated everyone else.
It is easier to talk about what others may find easier to understand and sympathise with but if we don’t talk about what others struggle to understand then they never will.

“The only thing more exhausting than having a mental illness is pretending like you don’t.”
-Unknown

Follow

If you liked this post, you may also like my post about suicide.