How To Love Someone With a Mental Illness

It’s weird how some people don’t understand that nobody chooses their mental illness. Why would anyone choose to be ill? Why would anyone choose an illness which is surrounded by so much stigma and uncertainty? How can somebody think that I would choose a life where hiding in bathrooms is simply a given when going out in public? Where I associate pillows with tears more than sleep? A life where a typical Saturday night involves watching my friends' videos and looking at Facebook photos of the life I wish I led: travelling, going out for coffee with friends, going to parties, eating pizza without having to sleep away the guilt, simply talking to people without losing my voice or being in a crowd without hyperventilating. Why would I choose something like this?

I guess it’s frustrating when the thing you struggle with the most is the very thing that others do to forget their struggles.

And it is so frustrating how some people think that you’re simply not trying hard enough to heal yourself. I go to therapy but someone who doesn’t may also be trying to heal themselves, only in a different way because although nobody seems to talk about it, therapy does not work for everyone. 

Medication does not work for everyone. Just because somebody isn’t healing in the 'conventional' way, or because they aren’t doing things which may have helped you, does not mean that they don’t want to recover or that they aren’t trying to help themselves.

I’m not saying that you shouldn’t try medication and therapy, they help so many people but it is important to talk about this because everyone is unique and so everyone reacts differently to different treatments. So, you’ve gone to therapy and been on medication for years and things haven’t seemed to get better, you are not alone and your fight is not hopeless.

Also, even if somebody isn’t actively trying to heal themselves, surely, they deserve your compassion rather than your judgement? Empathy doesn’t have to be rationed. You shouldn’t save your compassion for the people who are already improving.

Depression, for example, is often accompanied by the belief that things cannot change or at least that they cannot change for the better and so they may not see the point in trying to heal themselves because to them it is a losing battle.

I feel like a lot of the time friends and family are very accepting of mental illnesses, but only when they think that they can save you and when they realise that they can’t, suddenly you’re on your own. I don’t think they do it deliberately and I think we’re all guilty of it to some extent. And this doesn’t mean that you can’t help but sometimes you’ll be there for them in every way possible and it still won’t be enough. You’ll be there for them when they aren’t there for you and it’s OK because you think that you can save them. But a few years pass and they’re not saved yet. And now when they tell you about their feelings they’re an attention seeker and need to stop complaining. And suddenly when they’re not there for you, it’s because they're selfish. And even when they apologise, it’s no longer enough.

I’m not trying to say that you deserve this treatment, everybody deserves a friend who loves them and is there for them, I’m writing this so that people know that you cannot save someone who is mentally ill because it’s their fight. 

“But eventually you learn that you just can’t save anyone no matter how hard you try. People have to want to change, they have to want to do better, and to be better. All you can do is love people and pray for them and be present when they need you. But you can’t save them; at the end of the day, we all have to save ourselves.”

— Kovie Biakolo

Loving somebody with a mental illness requires an unimaginable amount of patience and if you don’t think you are capable of that then point them in the direction of people who are. Don’t abandon them, show them that you love them and be there for them when you can but recognise that you are only human and they probably will too. Being there for somebody doesn’t mean you can cure them.

You cannot recognise that someone is suffering from a mental illness whilst persecuting them for displaying symptoms which you may not like. They do not like them either.

“Mental illness leaves a huge legacy, not just for the person suffering it but for those around them.” - Lysette Anthony

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If you liked this post, you may also like my post, 'Special Treatment'.