Anxiety & Depression: A Deadly & Paradoxical Combination

According to the Mental Health Foundation, mixed anxiety and depression is the most common mental disorder in Britain and Psychology Today report that 60-70% of those with depression also have anxiety.

"The shared cornerstone of anxiety and depression is the perceptual process of overestimating the risk in a situation and underestimating personal resources for coping."
-Psychologist Michael Yapko, Ph.D

"If you're facing terror every day, it's gonna bring Hannibal to his knees"
- Jim Ballenger, a leading expert on anxiety

For me, I think my depression followed my anxiety, or at least the maladaptive coping strategies I was using to combat my anxiety. Because of my social anxiety and agoraphobia, I avoided people, social situations and even leaving the house. I was too anxious to do the things that I previously enjoyed and so I learned to not enjoy them. It prevented me from doing the things that I had to do, like go to school, get a job, eat and sleep, so I didn’t do them and faced the consequences.

I felt isolated, lonely, worthless, guilty, hopeless, and ashamed. 

I was sick and in pain all of the time but it didn’t ease with treatment.

I was tired but I couldn’t sleep. I was hungry but I couldn’t eat, or I couldn’t keep the food down.

A lot of these symptoms are also common in cases of depression. Depression can also result from a lack of control in one’s life and I’ve never felt more out of control than when I’m having a panic attack.

“In many cases the depression exists because the anxiety is so draining.”
-Jerilyn Ross, LICSW, president of the Anxiety Disorders Association of America

It’s caring about everything and caring about nothing at the same time.

It’s thinking that nothing matters whilst thinking that everything matters too much.

It’s having no physical energy whilst your mind is racing.

It’s lying in bed all day whilst panicking about everything you’re missing out on.

It’s wanting to die whilst being so afraid of not having a successful life.

It’s alternating between periods of hypersomnia and insomnia.

It’s waking up and quickly cleaning up a pool of your own vomit and partially digested pills so that you’re not late for school.

It’s being too anxious to do the things which help ease your depression.

It’s being too depressed to do the things which help ease your anxiety.

It’s being too anxious to go to your friend’s birthday party but hating yourself for letting them down.

It’s “I don’t care, I give up” and “If I don’t do everything perfectly I might as well be dead”.

It’s sleeping too much and then not sleeping at all.

It’s not wanting to live but being terrified of death.

When you have both depression and anxiety you constantly feel conflicted. When people ask me how I’m feeling I genuinely have no idea because surely, I can’t be tired if I’m full of unnecessary adrenaline? Surely, I can’t feel lonely if I hate being around people? Surely, I can’t be suicidal if I also have an intense fear of getting a terminal illness?

And how do you go about trying to make yourself better? Do you try to get more or less sleep? Do you try to socialise more or less? Do you try to become more energetic or try to slow down your mind? Which one do you choose? Anxiety or depression?

Some days your anxiety is more prominent and some days your depression dominates, but both are always there. I’m always stretched between two ends of the spectrum, waiting to snap.

If you liked this post you may also like my post Anxiety Is A Wall.

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