Mental Illness & Memory Gaps

Now that I’m starting to feel better, I feel like I’ve woken up from a dream that I’ve been having since I was 8 years old, but now I’m taller and I’m supposed to know how to do adult things and actually want to do adult things but in my head, I’m supposed to be playing duck, duck, goose not going to work. I’m supposed to be at Primary school not university. When something goes wrong I immediately look around to find an adult and almost collapse when I realise that I am the adult.

When I look back at my childhood and teenage years (which only technically ended last year) I can remember some things that happened, but I can’t remember when they happened or put them in order. I could say to a friend, “Do you remember last year when such and such happened?” and they would inform me that it actually happened 7 whole years ago.

Do you know how terrifying that is? To feel like huge chunks of your life have been stolen from you?

I feel like I’m always playing catch up. I can’t drive, I can’t cook, I haven’t been on many nights out, I didn’t have boyfriends or go to any parties or anything because when everyone else my age was doing those things, I was lying in bed, skipping school because my brain couldn’t handle it, or going to therapy sessions. Or worrying. I’ve lost so much of my life because I couldn’t stop worrying about what could happen.

I get really upset because I feel like I’ve missed out on my entire childhood because I don’t remember most of it. And I can’t get it back. I mean, I know I went to school and scouts and I was in the school play and played tag in the playground, but I don’t really remember it. It’s like when you dream, and you roughly know something that happened, but you can’t verbalise it or remember any of the details.

It’s like I’ve been on autopilot all of my life and now I’m afraid that it’s been too long to completely escape it.

Even last year, I know I was at university and did exams and wrote essays, but I don’t really remember it because I don’t feel like it happened to me. I know it happened, I just don’t feel like it happened to me.

I feel like my life happened to a character in a book and I know some things that happened, but I don’t know for sure or know what it was really like and when other people talk about the book I feel like my copy must have been missing some random pages and even full chapters because there are so many empty spaces in my memory.

And now, I feel like I need to take a lot of photos every time I do something because I need to feel like I’m doing things and actually living. I need a reminder that I was really there and that something really happened. I feel like I need to document it to make sure it wasn’t a dream.

Because the thing is, even if you have been there so many times before, once you're out of a depressive (or other) episode you cannot fully imagine how bad it was to be in it. You don't realise just how 'bad' you are until you start to really get better. And I'm glad I'm starting to feel better but there's more to it than that. Now I have finally found the pieces to get better but I still need to put them together.

But I’m trying to focus on the present. Yes, I’m still mourning the childhood and teenage years that I can’t remember because simply saying ‘well, you can’t get it back so why worry about it?’ doesn’t actually help. But I’m trying not to sacrifice my present for my past.

This is very common with people who struggled with mental illnesses as a child or teenager and I’m trying to make sure that I don’t let it take over my adulthood. I know, that’s easier said than done, but I’m trying.

“Memory loss is strange. It’s like showing up for a movie after it’s started. I’m sure I’ve missed something. I don’t know if it’s important or not. So I do the best I can, to lose myself in the story and hope the gaps don’t matter. Later, I can look it up, or someone will remind me, or maybe it’s perfectly fine to not know.”
―Elizabeth Langston, Wishing for You 

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3. The Things You Grieve In Your 20’s