Anxiety is a Wall

Anxiety is a wall between the real me and the real me that everyone sees.

It's a wall between my passionate self, the me who wants to go travelling and study at university and volunteer abroad and write a book and talk to people and the me who cancels plans more than I follow through with them, the me who is often too scared to leave the house, the me that has a panic attack if I have to talk to a stranger.

It’s a wall between me and the friends I want to make.

It’s a wall between me and the friends that I have.

It's a wall between me and the things I want to do.

It's a wall between me and the things I need to do.

It's a wall between me and the world.

I want to participate, but I feel like anxiety has doomed me to always be a spectator. Always watching. Never really engaged or living.

“It's sad, actually, because my anxiety keeps me from enjoying things as much as I should at this age”
-Amanda Seyfried

And you don’t know how to get past that wall. You’ve tried tearing it down, climbing over it, crawling under it, and walking around it but nothing works.

And somehow nobody else seems to see it and so sometimes they forget that there’s a wall in front of you. They ask you to answer the phone when you’ve been too scared to do this for years. They take it personally when you avoid eye contact. They think you’re being rude when you stay silent.

People say, “Just keep walking” and “Just keep trying” but I can’t there’s a wall right in front of me!

They say, “Everyone faces hurdles sometimes” but this isn’t a hurdle, this is a solid, brick wall! 

They say, “It’s all in your head” but that doesn’t make the wall disappear!

They say, “It could be worse” but that isn’t helping me with the problem I do have!

They say, “Just breathe” or “Have you tried yoga?” but how will that help? It’s a freaking wall!

And then by the time you finally carve a hole in the wall you have somehow convinced yourself that it is there for a reason. What if there is a bear behind it? Or an army ready to attack? Or an extremely contagious and deadly virus? 

Yes, this wall is preventing me from striving for my dreams and living the life I want to live but at least I’m alive, even if I’m living in constant discomfort and fear all of the time. Maybe everyone is right, it could be worse. But you can’t compare someone’s suffering, and you shouldn’t.

You can’t compare someone’s external struggle with someone else’s internal struggle. Mental illness isn’t dependant on how much money you have, how smart you are or what kind of job you have. Yes, these things can impact your mental health and the kind of mental health treatment you receive but all of the money in the world can’t buy you a healthy version of your brain. Perfect grades don’t free you from your mental illness. No material possession can knock down this wall of anxiety. The human mind isn’t that simplistic.

“Physical comforts cannot subdue mental suffering, and if we look closely, we can see that those who have many possessions are not necessarily happy. In fact, being wealthy often brings even more anxiety.”
- Dalai Lama

Maybe the wall can never be knocked down completely. Maybe it will always be there. But you can get past it and you can get further and further away from it. You may sometimes stop and look back and that may throw you a bit but it is possible to turn back around and keep moving forward.

It is possible to get past the wall of anxiety.

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind.
– C.S. Lewis

If you liked this post you may also like my post about how Mental Illness Isn't a Choice.

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